Thoughts don't count

Sat - felicia's bday buffet dinner at Sakura downtown east. in the car ride while driving to pasir ris brought back memories of mine. i rmbed i used to wait for him at white sands mall, the tampines interchange when he books out. i rmb once i took a bus.. I TOOK A BUS.. from seng kang all the way to pasir ris.. to a place that i don even go to.. taking a transport that's unfamiliar to me, asking around for directions on which bus to take and confirming with the uncle again and again that it's going to take me to the right place. all the way half an hour or more journey just to see his smile. just in exchange for another half hr with him in a bus ride home.

coming back from downtown east on our way home. drove past a bus stop and i saw a couple hugging each other at the bus stop, n i rmbed how we used to always sit at the bus stop near my house for another 15mins or more just to spend that little bit more time tgt. it's been a while since i've walked that route home.

Sun - went for 5pm. ps mor prayed for me when i raise my hand for a touch from God. As she prayed.."God.. release her from those burdens, hurts, fears, even right now.." tears that i couldn't hold back began to flow.. it was like after compressing everything down and tht prayer, tt touch from God just released everything within me. she gave me a nice big hug then after..perhaps cuz i was crying.

i looked at him n i heard T.p talking to him abt coming back from the celebration what not.. and i realised yea.. i'm never goin to hv that right again.. to noe abt his life.. to be part of it.. to noe his whereabouts and all. i believe as long as you're in love with some1, u will want to be part of his life and share with him urs. i guess i need to get use to knowin nuts abt him frm now on. i think this whole thing is pulling t.p n me apart too.. its like.. i dk. complicated.


imma go to sleep.

At a distance

i just jotted down and saved this thought of mine in my phone on 4/10/8 Sat after the adults rehearsals. 

"Just metres away yet it feels like thousands of miles apart.. Sigh. Just in front of me yet i can't even look directly into his eyes like the way i used to nor at his direction. Somethings lost.. No matter how much you run for it.. you will never be able to reach it in the end"

that was wad ate at my heart as i sat there n stared.. try not to be too obvious.. try not to be too openly showing that i still cared a hell lot. 

i've never felt the way when i love some1.. he doesnt love me back.. worse still his heart is on some1 else. i guess i needa learn the hard way of life. 

Once u decide to cross that line of friendship, if it doesnt quite work out the way you speculate it to be, there's no turning back. it's impossible that the both of you can revert back to the way you guys used to be such good friends before. never. 

kelvin asked what's wrong with me n him. i thought i expected this kinda question pretty often this period of time, but my heart still cringed like it did when i first had those queries thrown at me. he was shocked, no doubt. he asked how long has it been. 3 mths i answered and he was more than just shocked. repeatedly, he asked if its real. and then he said he had always wanted to ask cuz he noticed the difference, and who initiated it? i wanted to say do i look like i did? but i din. i think i don hv the courage to talk further abt it. i still don. at the same time i looked ahead of me n pushed back those tears and said i didn wan to talk abt it anymore. 

i still hv those tears in my eyes whenever ppl ask. hw i wish i cld say...no la..how is that possible. well.. but its a reality guys. i hv to learn it that way. and one day.. one day i will find the courage to talk abt it again.. to find that courage to fight those sorrows within me and not hv those tears in my eyes again.